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C.OPnUCHT DEPOSm 



Grandma and 
Standarditis 



Grandma and Standarditis 



BT 

William V. Casey 

AUTHOR OF 

'Acces^onal," "A Tale of High Finance, 
"An Address to Teachers," Etc. 



The Standard Publishing Company 
Denver, Colorado 



1,3 > 0-3-3 



Copyright, 1917, By Wm. V. Casey, 
Boulder, Colorado 



J^^L -6 1317 


^0 . ■ 


©0' ^.47017 



PREFACE 



"O wad some Power the giftie gie us 
To see oursel's as ithers see us! 
It wad frae mony a blunder free us 

An' foolish notion; 
What airs in dress an' gait would lea'e us. 

An' ev'n devotion!" 

— Robert Burns. 



"Behold, we know not anything; 

I can but trust that good shall fall 
At last — far off — at last, to all, 

And every winter change to spring. 

So runs my dream; but what am I? 

An infant crying in the night; 

An infant crying for the light; 
And with no language but a cry." 

— Tennyson. 



FORETHOUGHTS 



Like Grandma, the true teacher is 
the Salt of the Earth. She is not 
necessarily an octogenarian. When 
required, she is usually willing to 
state her exact age — if it be less 
than twenty-five, — and her approxi- 
mate age if it be around forty. Fur- 
ther, the deponent sayeth not. 

She is deserving of more than cold 
respect and captious criticism. She 
is entitled to a compensation com- 
mensurate with the noble work she 
is doing, for it is by far the most im- 
portant work of the world. She is 
training the Child — our most precious 
possession. She is training our fu- 
ture judges, lawyers, doctors, minis- 
ters, diplomats, musicians, archi- 
tects, laborers. She is shaping the 
lives and characters of twenty mill- 
ion boys and girls, — the future 



fathers and mothers of this Republic. 
She is the Moulder of our Nation's 
Destiny. 

Too often she is overworked and 
underpaid, and often her patient 
self-sacrifice goes unappreciated. 
Too often her position is insecure, 
and her salary insufficient for her 
actual needs; yet she goes about her 
work cheerfully, and, in proportion 
to her earnings, her contributions to 
charity, to the Church, and to the 
many public demands, compare quite 
favorably with those of our more 
often paged Society Leaders. 

Too often her vacation is a night- 
mare — ^an anxious struggle to devise 
ways and means of existing for three 
months without an income. During 
these lean months every nickel must 
do double duty, — so she walks in- 
stead of riding; does her own laun- 
dry work, sewing, mending, patch- 
ing, darning, cooking. She denies 
herself all luxuries and many actual 



necessities, for she must read and 
study in order to keep abreast her 
profession. Its increasing demands 
exact fresh preparation for each 
coming school year. 

She welcomes constructive criti- 
cism, but Alas! in these highly 
standardized times, criticism has be- 
come a disease against which prepa- 
ration may avail her little; for, at 
the close of a particularly trying day, 
perhaps, she may be called to the 
office and confronted with her 
'^Efficiency Score Card", — a device 
of Satan, conceived by an Ex-Spurt, 
and scored by a Criticaster who per- 
haps could not teach her grade for a 
week without acquiring a case of 
"nerves" comparable to an acute 
attack of D. T. 

But there is her Card — scored 
with Jove's lightnings, circled pe- 
riods, cat-stairs, cork-screws and 
section comers, — showing that she 
is lacking in "Efficiency"; the 



'Tests" are unsatisfactory; her 
^'Motivation" is suspected; her "In- 
itiative" has the Rickets, — and so on, 
for sixty-five items ; and can't she do 
better. 

After an hour of this inspiring and 
constructive toothache, she escapes 
from the refrigerator, frozen, humili- 
ated, sick at heart and discouraged, 
to spend the night in tears. 

But be of good cheer, dear Sister, 
the day of your deliverance is at 
hand. When next you are called be- 
fore your critic, present him v^ith a 
copy of this little book and insist 
that he read it. If it does not reform 
him, his case is hopeless, and we 
advise you to prepare yourself for a 
Domestic Science position. The male 
^'Expert" alv^ays knows when and 

where to "head in." 

The Author. 



I 



Grandma and Standarditis 



"Dangers stand thick through all the ground, 

To push us to the Tomb, 
While fierce diseases wait around. 

To hurry mortals home." 



How often have I heard dear old 
Grandma quote the above Quatrain, 
— which, by the way, does not happen 
to be from Omar. 

Grandma never even heard of 
Omar; but even if she had,* I feel 
quite sure that she never would have 
been interested in his grape-juice 
philosophy. She believed in the 
Book — "from cover to cover'* — and 
Jeremiah was regarded by her as 
Chief of all the Prophets. His La- 
mentations were as sweet music to 
her ears, and seemed always to 
awaken a responsive chord in her 
sensitive heart. As she read them on 

Page Thirteen 



Grandma and Standarditis 

a Sunday afternoon they seemed a 
very Well-Spring of Joy to her, which 
sometimes bubbled up and over- 
flowed in tears. 

On one such occasion, in answer to 
my childish (and I trust sympa- 
thetic) inquiry as to the cause of her 
tears, she replied: *'Don't mind my 
cryin', Honey ; I always feel bad when 
I feel good, because then I know that 
Vm goin* to feel worse." 

Grandma was descended from that 
good, old, hard-working, hard-pray- 
ing Covenanter stock — now almost 
as extinct as the Dodo. It is possible 
therefore, that heredity may have 
been responsible for her seeming 
pessimism, — which, after all, was not 
really pessimism, — but only her way 
of expressing the joy of her heart. 
While ministering to the sick, or 

Page Fourteen 



Grandma and Standarditis 

when busy managing the affairs of 
her own household, Grandma was far 
from being gloomy or pessimistic. On 
the contrary, at such times she 
seemed to radiate cheerfulness and 
optimism. 

Children never regarded her as 
gloomy. Always they greeted her 
coming with shouts of delight, and 
welcomed her with kisses. These 
demonstrations of childish affection 
always seemed to stir her emotional 
heart, and on such occasions she was 
wont to exclaim — "I declare, honey, 
love is just the best, the biggest and 
sweetest thing in the world. It's the 
fuliillin' of the law; and when Grand- 
ma feels your little arms around her 
neck it's just like readin' Lamenta- 
tions !" ; 

Now, the children of Grandma's 



Page Fifteen 



Grandma and Standarditis 

day were not standardized in their 
knowledge of scriptural allusions, 
and probably would not have been 
able to distinguish Lamentations 
from the Songs of Solomon, had they 
heard them on the King's Highway; 
yet all of them felt instinctively that 
this expression of Grandma's ap- 
proval and love was the very highest 
compliment that could be bestowed 
upon them — whether by Queen, 
Prince, or Potentate. They recognized 
its hall-mark of sincerity; and each 
child felt as proud and satisfied as a 
full-blown dahlia. 

Of course, all this sounds paradox- 
ical; but, — to make use of a stand- 
ardized, if somewhat trite, observa- 
tion, — the world is full of paradoxes. 
Consider the hen,— she is not gener- 
ally regarded as being musical; yet 

Page Sixteen 



Grandma a^d Standarditis 



she often tries to express the Joy of 
Life thru a species of song. 

And the roll and throb of the katy- 
did orchestra may sound monotonous 
and tiresome to the unthinking; but 
it awakens beautiful thoughts in the 
poet's brain. It all depends upon 
one's interpretation. 

Mrs. CockerelFs red sunflower is 
not less wonderful or beautiful be- 
cause its border is sometimes tinged 
with yellow. 

And the whippoorwill's song, as it 
comes to us thru the soft evening twi- 
light, may sound a bit mournful ; but 
the bird is not less interesting or use- 
ful on that account ; and were it na- 
tive to Europe, as it is to America, 
who knows if its oft-repeated note 
might not stir the allies to their su- 
premest effort! * * * But we 

Page Seventeen 



Grandma and Standarditis 

digress, and our digression is leading 
us into the swamps of Euro-Politico- 
Psychology. Let us return to Grand- 
ma. 

Grandma lived in Illinois during 
pioneer days when the term Neighbor 
included all the settlers within a 
radius of fifty miles of her home. 
And as the settlement lacked a regu- 
lar physician, she officiated as healer, 
accoucheuse, and surgeon, whenever 
and ^vherever her services w^ere 
needed. She was a busy woman, but 
the distance was never too far, nor 
the hardship of travel too great for 
her to respond to the frequent S. 0. 
S. call of the pioneer. 

Now, Grandma was innocent of 
scientific lore, and had never been 
surveyed; and, judged by modern 
standards, was sadly lacking in Up- 

Page Eighteen 



Grandma and Standarditis 

to-Date-ness ; nevertheless, she pos- 
sessed an ample fund of common 
sense and natural ability which en- 
abled her to go industriously on her 
way, administering her boneset, ja- 
lap, and elecampane with astonishing 
success. It was her one modest boast 
that she never lost a" patient if she 
reached him in time. 

I am aware that this boast sounds 
singularly modern, but I assure you 
that Grandma originated it. 

Firm in the Faith, kindly, helpful, 
industrious, she 'Svent about doing 
good," and managed to crowd into 
the eighty-five brief years of her life 
more real work, more good deeds, 
and more worth-while results than 
many of us, I fear, can ever hope to 
accomDlish or attain. 

At her grave the people of four 

Page Nineteen 



Grandma and Standarditis 

counties assembled, and did for her 
the last simple service which Love 
can render. 

I was but a small lad at the time, 
and between then and now stretch 
more vanished years of life than I 
care to count, or think about ; yet the 
occasion impressed my memory with 
two things — the sincere love of the 
people for Grandma, and the minis- 
ter's text. It was Jeremiah 8:22. 

Were I an expert psychologist, it 
would now be in order to speculate as 
to just how much our heredity and 
environment influence our pessi- 
misms and optimisms ; or to show be- 
yond cavil, that the pessimist is a 
species of negative electric Corpuscle 
created to balance, as it were, the 
positive optimistic Visionary; and, 
therefore, that the one is as necessary 

Page Twenty 



Grandma and Standarditis 

and as useful as the other. For, 
while most of us may prefer "The 
Sweet Singer/' the fact remains that 
the Book would be incomplete with- 
out Jeremiah. 

But however interesting and prof- 
itable such speculations might prove, 
our limitations of time, and space, 
and expertness, compel us to leave 
them to Dr. Munsterberg, H. G. 
Wells, — and the would-be educational 
Samurai. 

Wasn't it Aristotle who said that 
every complete action, or story, has 
a beginning, a middle, and an end? 

To accord with these standards, 
our story ought to end with the pass- 
ing of Grandma. Our sketch shows 
that she lived, did her work, and died. 
The temptation, therefore, to elimi- 
nate all else in the story is great. The 

Page Twenty-one 



Grandma and Standarditis 

Standards would not then be vio- 
lated ; and besides, the painter should 
quit when his picture is finished. 

However, comes the querulous 
voice of that uneasy, captious, pessi- 
mistic Kill-Joy — the Editor: 

"But, — my dear man, * * * 
the title! Wherefore 'Grandma and 
Standarditis'? * * * i don^t quite 
see its appositeness. Why not simply 
'Grandma'? And what is Standar- 
itis?'' 

Oh Fudge ! 

I almost wish the story had never 
been begun. 

"Appositeness*' ! 

I am sorry, but it is now too late 
to change the title. And I positively 
refuse to disturb Grandma. She is 
at Peace, so we will let her rest. 

"Appositeness" ! 

Well, there seems no way out of 
the difficulty except to write a thesis 
on Standarditis. So En avant: 

Page Twenty-two 



Grandma and Standarditis 

STANDARDITIS 

Its Nature — 

Standarditis is an insidious disease, 
now fast becoming epidemic in this 
country, but at present, more espe- 
cially prevalent among school men. 

¥,niile suffering from an attack of 
Standarditis, the patient manifests 
an all but irrepressible desire, or im- 
pulse, to scale, measure, weigh, com- 
pute, calculate, card-index, overhaul, 
score, inventory, enumerate, classify, 
schedule, invoice, evaluate, expatiate, 
recapitulate, graphize, analyze, ter- 
rorize, and otherwise Standardize 
human beings, teachers and school 
children. 

Although the older authorities no- 
where make mention of Standarditis, 

Page Twenty-three 



Grandma and Standarditis 

its earlier appearance probably dates 
from the First Crusades. 

This seemirxgl}^ inexcusable silence 
on the part of the authorities will 
not appear strange, however, if we 
stop to reflect that our Profession, 
at that time, was not far advanced in 
MerMcal Science. The sword and 
battle-axe were almost the only sur- 
gical instruments then known. 
There were few educational 
advantages, and almost no oppor- 
tunities for study and Research. 
Printing had not been invented, and 
there were no scientific instruments 
of precision. The microscope did not 
come until centuries later; so that 
our brethren of the Crusades prob- 
ably never even suspected the pres- 
ence of microbes, — as we know them. 

We, of the present day, however. 

Page Twenty-four 



Grandma and Standarditis 

are more highly favored. Thanks to 
that King of instruments, the Micro- 
scope, our Profession now knows the 
cause of many diseases — not least of 
which, is Standarditis. 

It is a Germ Disease. 

The germ which causes it has been 
isolated. It is now known to Science 
as the "Bacillus-GeowetricuS'Scho- 
lastictiS'Standarditictiss." It is rod- 
shaped, and closely resembles the 
common garden measuring-worm. 

The 'appositeness' of its title, at 
least, will be apparent to all. 

In its nature, Standarditis is both 
Cerebropathic and Neuropathic. Dur- 
ing the Prodrom.al Stage, it attacks 
both the brain and the nerve-centers, 
and in the acute form, may result in 
Encephalitis, or even Ramollisement. 

A few Quacks contend that the 

Page Twenty-five 



Grandma and Standarditis 

disease is Osteocephalic, or Osteo- 
pathic; but this opinion is regarded 
with contempt by all Regular practi- 
tioners. 

All the Authorities agree, however, 
that Standarditis is contagious, — in 
the sense that vice, for instance, or 
good example, is contagious. The 
rapid spread of the disease in Amer- 
ica is proof positive that it is ex- 
tremely contagious. 

Standarditis is also Psycho- 
Psychic, or Psycho-Mesmeric in its 
nature. That is to say, it can be 
willed, or wished upon an individual, 
a group, or a nation, by one having 
the disease in its virulent form. 

This fact makes it extremely in- 
sidious, hard to combat, and quite 
naturally is causing the Profession 
great uneasiness. Numerous instan- 

Page Twenty-six 



Grandma and Standarditis 

ces are of record where individuals 
have been infected through Psycho- 
Psychic Intention, while the case of 
Germany seems to establish proof 
that a nation can be thus infected. 

In this connection, however, it is 
of interest to note that certain peo- 
ples seem to possess greater risisting 
power against Invasion, than others. 
The French and English, for example, 
seem to possess strong risisting 
power. 

And while it appears that a nation 
may be easily invaded, it may, never- 
theless, be slow to take the disease. 
It is considered extremely doubtful, 
for instance, whether Mexico can 
ever be standardized. 

Natives of the Philippine Islands 
also strongly resist Standarditis, — 
which fact may perhaps account for 

Page Twenty-seven 



Grandma and Standarditis 

their unpreparedness for self-govern- 
ment. In the year 1900 Congress ap- 
pointed a committee to inquire into 
this matter, but the committee has 
not yet made its report. 

It is also worthy of note, that when 
Standarditis invades a country, the 
official head of the government, 
army, or school, is almost invariably 
the first person to take the disease. 
Army officers are extremely suscep- 
tible to the disease, and once they 
are infected, it spreads by Psycho- 
Psychic Intention to the entire army. 

School superintendents and heads 
of educational departments are 
super-susceptible. They seem to 
possess weak resisting power, yield 
readily to Invasion, and usually have 
the disease in its most virulent form. 

Although not entirely immune 

Page Twenty-eight 



Grandma and Standarditis 

from the disease, women are less sus- 
ceptible than men. The reason for 
this is not well known. 

History — 

The earliest authentic account of 
this disease, as it now manifests it- 
self, shows that it made its first ap- 
pearance at Potsdam, Prussia, about 
the year 1870, where it prostrated 
the entire Royal Family. It is re- 
ported that the emperor never en- 
tirely recovered from the effects of 
the disease. 

From the Royal Household it 
spread to the army officers, and 
through them by Psycho-Psychic In- 
tention to the army; from thence to 
the homes, schools, churches, work- 
shops, mills, mines, factories and 
fields. Not a man, v/oman, or child 

Page Twenty-nine 



Grandma and Standarditis 

in the empire escaped the epidemic. 
Even the animals and fowls were af- 
fected by it. 

Quarantine and other preventive 
measures against the disease were 
attempted by adjoining nations, but 
in most cases with indifferent suc- 
cess. It invaded parts of Austria- 
Hungary, Switzerland, France, Bel- 
gium, and Holland, but in these coun- 
tries the disease was less virulent 
than in Germany. 

The case of England is regarded as 
somewhat singular, and has caused 
much comment among the Profession. 
Since for four hundred years Eng- 
land had been constantly taking 
things, it was supposed that she 
would also take Standarditis. But 
owing, it is thought, to the well- 
known British Temperament which 

Page Thirty 



Grandma and Standarditis 

renders the Briton immune from 
foreign humors, England escaped in- 
fection. No Englishman has ever 
been known to take Standarditis. 

Russia also suffered little, — prob- 
ably owing to the Imperial Ukase and 
the well-known attitude of the 
Nobility. 

Thus far, Turkey has proved to be 
immune. 

Am.erica's commercial intercourse 
with Germany brought the disease to 
our own shores. The first cases were 
widely scattered among a few manu- 
facturing concerns, and caused little 
comment at the time ; but from these 
cases the disease spread until it is 
now reported in thirty-^ight states. 

Syraptoms and Course — 

The symptoms of Standarditis are 

Page Thirty-one 



Grandma and Standarditis 

usually so pronounced as to be easily 
recognized, even by the layman. 
Diagnosis, therefore, presents little 
or no difficulty. In the case of the 
Educator, the following sjnnptoms 
are usually present, and may be said 
to be typical: 

During Invasion, or Incubation of 
the disease, the patient exhibits rest- 
lessness, seems preoccupied, and 
more or less irritable; brow is 
wrinkled; eyes appear somewhat 
staring and glassy; pupils dilated; 
pulse rapid; tongue badly furred. 

As the disease gains headway, the 
patient worries over trivial affairs; 
imagines that his schools are out of 
joint, and that the teachers and chil- 
dren are inefficient ; feels impelled to 
do something, but wishes someone 
else to tell him what to do; sleep is 

Page Thirty-two 



Grandma and Standarditis 

broken by night-sweats, night-mares, 
and wild fancies; patient mutters 
during sleep, and is apt to repeat such 
words as ^Efficiency' — *Buenos-Aires- 
List' — *Courtesy-Tests' — 'Heliograph 
Standards' — or 'Maryott Scores,' etc. 

If these symptoms are present, the 
physician may feel certain that his 
patient is suffering from an attack of 
Standarditis. The disease has now 
passed Prodroma, and must run its 
course. 

Doctor Love joy thus graphically 
describes the Course of the disease: 

''While the patient is in the Pro- 
dromal Stage of Standarditis, it not 
unfrequently happens that the Board 
of Education has been Infected 
through Psycho-Psychosis ; and if so, 
it readily yields to the suggestion that 
an Efficiency Ex-Spurt be employed 

Page Thirty-three 



Grandma and Standarditis 

at public expense to Standardize the 
schools. 

"Now, an Efficiency Ex-Spurt is a 
self-created, self-constituted, self- 
standardized individual, having the 
degree M. A., or Ph.D. He may even 
be entitled to a D. Ph. degree. He 
may never have taught successfully, 
but is willing, for a consideration, to 
survey schools, standardize them, and 
make Reports. 

"In addition to having the symp- 
toms already enumerated, an Ex- 
Spurt is also apt to suffer from 
calenture, delusions, halluncinations, 
hypochondriasis, and phrensy. 

"He may even have *Enteralgia\* 

"Preliminary to the actual work of 
Survey, it was formerly the custom 

* Standardized medical term — means 
plain belly-ache. — Ed. 

Page Thirty-four 



Grandma and Standarditis 

to call a Principal before the Board, 
where he was interrogated by the Ex- 
Spurt; but this custom has been 
quite generally abandoned. One of 
the principals thus called, possibly 
proved to be an immune — ^as the fol- 
lowing interview suggests: 

" ^Mr. X, have you given the pupils 
of your school the Courtesy-Tests T 

" 'No.' 

" *Why haven't you given them?* 

" Well, I first tried them on my- 
self, and failed to get much out of 
them. I then gave them to a com- 
mittee consisting of three teachers, 
two Bankers, a Preacher, two Law- 
yers, a Public Accountant, and five 
College Professors. As they also 
failed, I thought it would be a waste 
of time to give them to my pupils.* 

" *You were wrong. You should 

Page Thirty-five 



Grandma and Standarditis 

give them to your pupils. There is 
no other way to Standardize a school.' 

" *Do you use the Thomwall 
Scores r 

" *No ; and for the same reasons 
already given. I submitted two sets 
of papers to the committee to grade 
by the Thornwall Scores. In thje 
second set I included several papers 
of the first set, and found that the 
first and second gradings differed 
from thirty to fifty percent on the 
same paper. That is to say, the same 
person differed as much as fifty per- 
cent from his first marks when he 
graded the same paper a second time. 
I think the Scores are a waste of 
time.* 

" *What you tell us is very singular. 
Your committee could not have been 
very competent. All up-to-date 

Page Thirty-six 



Grandma and Standarditis 

schools are using these Scores. Have 
you given the Buenos-Aires-List, 
and are your pupils able to spell all 
the words?' 

" *Yes ; I have used that List oc- 
casionally. I think that the pupils 
can spell most of the words.* 

" That is better ; but you do not 
seem quite sure. Standarditis shows 
exactly how efficient our schools are. 
Have you used the Heliograph Scale?* 

" *No, I think that is perhaps the 
only one of the fifty-seven varieties 
I have not tried. But perhaps some 
others have been issued since school 
closed this afternoon.' 

" 'And the McMurtie Standards 
and Maryott's Score Cards, — do you 
use them in scoring the inefficiency 
of your teachers?' 

" *No, I have been too busy with 

Page Thirty-seven 



Grandma and Standarditis 

the regular work of the schools. I 
take part in this work every day, and 
have tried to be helpful to my teach- 
ers by showing them how to teach. I 
have given friendly criticism when I 
thought it was needed, and have re- 
ported to the superintendent my 
opinion of their work.' 

" *I think that is aU, Mr. X, thank 
you.' 

"Mr. X is now excused; — ^makes 
his X-it, so to speak. (No apology. 
See Standardized Dictionary.) The 
f olowing formula is now repeated : 

" *Grentlemen, yofl^have invited me 
here to Standardize your schools. 
While I do not anticipate any par- 
ticular opposition, I sometimes find 
that through ignorance, fear, timid- 
ity or misunderstanding, the fullest 
co-operation of the teachers is not 

Page Thirty-eight 



Grandma and Standarditis 

always given. I trust that your 
superintendent will see to this. I 
shall refrain from comments until 
the Survey is finished, and embody 
my findings in my Report. My 
associates and I will be ready to be- 
gin next Monday.' 

"Accordingly, on Monday, the 
Efficiency Expert and his corps of 
Assistants invade the school-rooms 
with their theoretical foot-rulers, 
tape-lines, yard-sticks, calipers, com- 
passes, astrolabes, transits, Thorn- 
wall Scores, Heliograph Scales, 
Courtesy-Tests, Buenos-Aires-Lists, 
McMurtie Standards and Maryott's 
Score Cards, and proceed to Stand- 
ardize the schools. 

''Efficiency Engineers now race 
wildly up and down the aisles on 
their Efficiency- Tr^/cycles, — running 

Page Thirty-nine 



Grandma and Standarditis 

over pupils, — getting in each other's 
way, and in the way of the distracted 
teacher who vainly endeavors to 
maintain order and conduct her reci- 
tations; but for some unaccountable 
reason she fails to show her accus- 
tomed proficiency. 

"During a period of time, ranging 
from two months to a year, — de- 
pending on the size of the city where 
the schools are being Standardized, — 
the Engineers measure everything in 
sight, — and much that isn't. They 
give Courtesy-Tests, Heliograph 
Standards, Beunos-Aires-Lists, Mc- 
Murtie and Maryott Score-Cards, 
Brown's Tablets, — including Saint 
Vitus' Dance. 

"They cover reams of paper with 
figures; arrange them in columns, 
groups, squads, companies, regi- 

Page Forty 



Grandma and Standarditis 

ments, brigades and divisions; they 
add them, cross-add them, subtract, 
multiply and divide them; regrind, 
and run them through the filter- 
press; then re-varrange them in geo- 
metrical progressions, extract their 
square roots, cube roots, tap-roots, 
near-variants, true variants, coeffi- 
cients, medians, reduce them to deci- 
mals, percents and differentials. 

"They march them echelon, grape- 
vine, and lock-step; then re-arrange 
them in new groups for compari- 
sons, calculations and computations; 
and then make graphs of them ; — in- 
curves, out-curves, forward-passes, 
punts, foozles, abcissae and abracada- 
brae. 

"It would now seem as if the 
disease must have run its course and 
could go no further. But not so. 

Page Forty-one 

!___ i 



Grandma and Standarditis 

''The patient insists on publishing 
the whole sorry nightmare in bulletin, 
or book form. 

''This done, temperature decreases, 
rationality returns, the disease grad- 
ually subsides, and if the patient sur- 
vives, he slowly recovers. 

"His school is now Standardized." 

Doctor Stoneage, who has also 
made an exhaustive study of the 
disease, observes that in its nature, 
Standarditis is somewhat analogous 
to the Foot-and-Mouth Disease 
among cattle — since it has to do with 
foot-rule measurements, and causes 
the patient to talk and write abnorm- 
ally. 

This suggestion of the learned 
Doctor's opens up a rich field of 
study and Research for the Psycho- 
Therapist and Psychologist, and we 

Page Forty-two 



Grandma and Standarditis 

shall confidently expect some new 
discoveries to be made in this field in 
the near future. It would be inter- 
esting to know, for instance, whether 
this disease is accountable for the 
Congressional Record, the War news, 
or for some of our recait books on 
Education. 

We have thus traced the disease 
from its origin in the dark Ages 
down to the present time. We have 
shown its Nature, its Cause, its His- 
tory, its Symptoms, and its usual 
Course. It now remains to speak 
briefly of its Effects. 

Its Effects— 

The effects of Standarditis vary 
greatly among individuals and na- 
tions, and seem to be influenced, 
somewhat, by the different occupa- 

Page Forty-three 



Grandma and Standarditis 

tions of the people. Many of these 
effects are droll ; some are weird and 
fantastic, while others are serious 
and melancholy. 

The learned Doctor Knochenkopf, 
in his well-known Medical Work en- 
titled: ''Geistesstbrungen und Mili^ 
tdimervenheilstdtte infolge von chrorv- 
ischens Standarditissmus, und ihren 
Einfhiss auf die Felddienstfdigkeit" 
gives the following interesting and 
remarkable account of Standarditis 
in Germany. 

"While strolling through one of 
the city parks the Emperor was sud- 
denly stricken with Standarditis. His 
attention was attracted to a flock of 
geese on their way to the lake for a 
swim. They were led by a militant, 
battle-scarred gander, at whose sig- 
nal the geese halted, left-faced toward 

Page Forty-four 



Grandma and Standarditis 

his Majesty, flapped their wings and 
fiercely screamed forth their War- 
Cry,— '^Honk! Honk !*^~right-f aced, 
and continued on their way, — single 
column, regular interval, heads up, 
chests out, — ^their blue eyes sparkling 
like Dresden china. 

"His Majesty was astonished and 
vastly pleased. The maneuver was 
perfectly executed, the salute soldier- 
ly, and the *Honk,' — ^as everybody 
knows, is Goose-Latin for *Hoch!* 

"The Emperor ordered the veteran 
leader brought before him, decorated 
him with the Double-Cross and Order 
of the Gridiron, and gave command 
that the whole army should adopt the 
*Goose-Step,' — ^now peculiar to our 
German Soldiery. 

"The effects of this 'Goose-Step' 
upon our men is very noticeable, and 

Page Forty-five 



Grandma and Standarditis 

the sight of so much drill is influenc- 
ing even our women and girls. Re^ 
cently, while in Franfurt, I met 
Frau Z and her estimable daughters 
who were out for a walk in the park. 
They all marched in double column, 
and all with the 'Goose-Step/ Peas- 
ants, coming home from their work 
in the fields all walk with *Goose- 
Step,' the woman usually in the lead, 
with a large basket, or a sack of 
potatoes balanced on her head. This 
setting-up, — or rather standing up — 
exercise, gives to the peasantry an 
erect carriage, and wonderfully in- 
creases their health, strength, useful- 
ness and general efficiency." 

The learned Doctor's observation 
concerning usefulness and efficiency 
suggests that we, on this side of the 
water, have much to learn from our 

Page Forty-six 



Grandma and Standarditis 



over-seas friends. Doubtless when 
we have become well Standardized, 
we will have adopted many of their 
useful and efficient customs. 

This celebrated 'Goose-Step* was 
the beginning of Standarditis in Ger- 
many. The National Step once es- 
tablished, Standardization of every- 
thing else quickly followed. It ex- 
tended to the width of streets, the 
height of houses, government, people, 
homes, churches, schools, factories, 
farms, clothing, wine, water, Wiener- 
wurst, beer, obedience, conduct, 
thought, customs, manners, Class- 
distinctions, railroads, tunnels, roads, 
bridges, cannon, cheese, taxes, tooth- 
picks and coffins. Nothing is for- 
gotten. All is measured, weighed, 
evaluated, tested, classified and in- 

Page Forty-seven 



Grandma and Standarditis 

lent for the merchant who measures 
a yard of ribbon, or for the officer 
who is laying out a trench on the 
firing line. 

The result of all this is supposed to 
be increased efficiency. The people 
become careful, methodical, exact and 
painstaking. They regulate the 
prices of commodities, wages and la- 
bor. All have work, and time in 
which to do their work. They like 
this Kultur. They are proud of their 
achievements, for these make their 
nation unique among nations. More- 
over, it makes easy the rule of the 
Militarists, -v^ho, quite naturally, de- 
sire to extend this beneficence and 
Kultur to other unstandardized na- 
tions, even though it may require 
cannon shrapnel and Zeppelins to 
carry the good tidings. 

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Grandma and Standarditis 

The effect of Standarditis upon 
superintendents has already been de- 
scribed. The effect upon the schools 
can only be surmised. Unfortunately, 
the testimony upon this important 
phase of the subject is too limited to 
justify our coming to any definite 
conclusion. It is true that we have 
tons of literature from the Surveyors, 
but almost no testimony from teach- 
ers whose schools have been surveyed 
and Standardized. 

When a laundress is importuned to 
buy a new brand of soap, she quite 
naturally wishes to know whether 
the brand recommended is better 
than the one she uses. She regards 
the testimony of her neighbor, Mrs. 
Murphy, as more satisfactory upon 
this point than that of the grocer. 
This is common business prudence. 

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Grandma and Standarditis 

for she doesn't wish to spoil her linen, 
nor to have to do her work a second 
time. 

Having recently received a hint 
from the Health Officer to "clean 
up", we inquired of Mrs. Murphy and 
the neighbors their opinion concern- 
ing the efficacy of Standardized 
Soap. 

Twenty letters were written to 
teachers whose schools had passed 
through a siege of Standarditis, 
requesting definite information of its 
good effects. With singular unanim- 
ity the replies expressed joy that the 
measles had come and gone. 

Only ten replies were received, and 
only one of these was in printed 
form, — "The Reply of the Superin- 
tendents of New York City'' to the 
New York School Inquiry. It is a 

Page Fifty-one 



Grandma and Standarditis 

pamphlet of 116 pages, giving the 
opinions of nineteen out of twenty- 
three District Superintendents con- 
cerning the New York School Survey. 
It discusses the methods and findings 
of the Engineers, and gives us a sort 
of Survey of the Surveyors. The last 
paragraph sums up the discussion as 
follows : 

"* * * Therefore the net re- 
sult of the whole inquiry with 
reference to the teaching and 
supervision of elementary schools 
is a set of opinions backed by 
guesses and assumptions.*' — 
Which seems to have the merit of 
frankness, even if it does sound sacri- 
legious. 

But perhaps the good results have 
not yet had time to become apparent. 
I once heard a superintendent of long 

Page Fifty-two 



Grandma and Standarditis 

experience say that the best evidences 
of good teaching appear about twenty 
years after the pupils leave school. 
But this was before the day of Stand- 
arditis, when "All things are become 
new." However, a few of our schools 
have been Standardized for ten years, 
or more, which would seem to be suf- 
ficient time for the seed to have 
sprouted. But perhaps we are deal- 
ing with a Century Plant. 

Reports of the Surveys present 
little that is new, or that has not been 
tried many times. For more than 
fifty years superintendents have 
classified and re-classified their 
schools. They have inspected methods 
of teaching, offered criticisms, and 
have given constructive help. They 
have known that in every grade there 
are retarded children, and have pro- 
Page Fifty-three 



Grandma and Standarditis 

vided extra help for such. They have 
conducted teachers* institutes, held 
teachers' meetings, attended teach- 
ers' conventions, established reading 
circles, made reports to the boards 
of education, have sought, and have 
given, new ideas concerning educa- 
tional v/ork. For fifty years the tax- 
payers have known annually what 
their schools have cost. These things 
are not new because they are now 
discussed in Standardized language. 
What the superintendent would 
like to know is, how to improve the 
already known conditions without 
bankrupting his district. He would 
like to know how to eliminate pov- 
erty, so that boys and girls might 
attend school regularly. He would 
like to know a sure tonic for weak 
memory, — one that will enable pupils 

Page Fifty-four 



Grandma and Standarditis 

to remember what they are taught. 
He would like to know the really 
Royal Road to the multiplication table 
and other fundamentals, — the road 
that eliminates drill and thus saves 
time. He would like to know some 
surer, quicker method of helping his 
pupils to grow more honest, upright, 
loyal, industrious and dependable, 
day by day. He would like to know 
the best method of training the child, 
so that when it leaves school it shall 
be able to make the most of its life. 
And he would like to know how to 
do this without regarding the child as 
an insensate piece of machinery to be 
speeded up by some new Test-Pulley. 
The scrap-pile is full of such devices. 
Perhaps we are asking impossibili- 
ties. Perhaps these things can never 
be accomplished. Perhaps it would 



Page Fifty-five 



Grandma and Standarditis 



be necessary to regenerate humanity 
in order to **Mould it nearer to our 
heart's desire/' But nevertheless, 
these things are vital because they 
are fundamental. They are the things 
about which teachers are thinking. 
They are the things they would like 
to know; and they will welcome any 
sane means of accomplishing them. 

Somebody has observed that we 
are multi-millionaires in criticism, 
but paupers in helpfulness. There 
is more than a grain of truth in the 
observation. All of us are expert 
critics, but few of us are critically 
helpful. Too often we find fault 
without helping to correct the fault. 
Sometimes we imagine that we have 
given help when we have only com- 
plicated the situation by pattering 
some of our Utopian theories; and 



Page Fifty-six 



Grandma and Standarditis 

when these theories are the results of 
Standaritis, they are apt to be fanci- 
ful in the extreme. 

Although the effects of Stand- 
arditis on the schools may be in doubt, 
there is no doubt whatever concern- 
ing their effects on the Taxpayer. 
In his case they vary all the way 
from $3,000 to $90,000, depending on 
the size of the city where the schools 
have been Standardized. These are 
current market prices for Standardi- 
zation; and while they may seem 
rather high, we must remember that 
we are living in War times, when the 
price of everything is likely to be 
inflated. 

But let us not be discouraged, and 
above all, let us not grow pessimistic. 
It is often worth the price to be able 
"To see ourselves as others see us." 

Page Fifty-seven 



Grandma and Standarditis 

It harms no one to look into a mirror 
occasionally, provided the mirror re- 
flects one's true image, — and vanity 
does not prompt the inspection. 

While it does not seem probable, 
there may be diseases that are worse 
than Standarditis ; — Complacency, 
for example, or Blindness. So that it 
might be profitable for us to test our 
eyes, occasionally, with standardized 
glasses ; else we might fail to measure 
up even to ordinary standards of 
efficiency. 

We should remember that, although 
Conservatism may succeed in holding 
the ground already occupied, it sel- 
dom captures any new trenches. Let 
us, then, be ever honestly open to con- 
viction of our sins, whether they be 
committed through ignorance, or 
through deliberate Expertness. 

Page Fifty-eight 



Grandma and Standarditis 



Another one of Grandma's Qua- 
trains keeps ringing through the 
deep caves of thought, and seems 
an appropriate ending — 

*'May we this life improve, 
By earnest prayers and fasts. 

And do our best to give each Test, 
While Standarditis lasts/' 



Page Fifty-nine 



Grandma and Standarditis 

ADDENDUM 

The Cure — 

Standarditis is generally thought 
by the Profession to be incurable; 
but recently, while going through 
Grandma's papers, I found one of 
her "receipts'' which she used with 
great success in treating her patients, 
and which she guarantees will scatter 
and destroy and army of Microbes, 
if directions are faithfully followed. 
I have tried to render it in Standard- 
ied language for the Profession : 

Pil: Hydrarg: Chlor: 

Sig: 

singul: nocte sumend: 

Decoc: Aloes Sig: ^j 
omni mane. 



Page Sixty 



